F.U.D. – We Can Pee Like Boys Now

My childhood dream aspiration of becoming a boy has become a reality now after facing numerous challenges in filthy,  tight & uncompromising lavatories when I am travelling. It’s annoying when you carry a backpack of stuff, be it your camera gear or your daypack of essentials, entering a public loo is so indignifying. Especially those that haven’t been cleaned in a century or those that have lost sight of care. I can’t count the number of times where I cringed before peeing, having to hover over soiled toilet seats while taking extra precautions NOT to come into contact with the equally dirty walls on my backpack. 

As I was kitting up for my Survivalist Sack, I came upon this Female Urination Device called P Ez. It seems to be the solution to all my on-the-go urgency problems so I ordered one & two months later it arrived. Perfect for my 10-day expedition in Borneo. Being somewhat excited at the thought that I’d finally be standing up to pee, a flurry of thoughts came to my mind. What if I pee all over myself? What if I made a mess of my bathroom? What if it DOESN’T WORK??? I guess these are the angst of one who’s finally getting a feel of what being a boy is all about. As a child, I used to aspire to be a boy. Now don’t ask me why, perhaps it was due to the clothes my mom made me wear as a toddler or the fact that I loved playing with gadgets that don’t go well with my sisters or just being plain curious about the opposite sex. Either way, I wanted an appendage. 

So it arrived. I opened the box with glee. I was greeted with a misshaped lilac coloured funnel that I’m supposed to put on my cherry. I examined the rubbery plastic thing for awhile & proceeded to enact a ”˜travel situation’ where my back has a camera backpack, me wearing pants & this bionic cuckoo bird being whipped out from my waistpack. Having to figure out which way is ”˜outward’ is easy. Just look at how it points & you will know how to position it to your body. 

The moment of truth came. I’ve never had to touch any of my body parts when answering nature’s call & this is a rather absurd act as we girls have never thought about putting our hands onto our cherries to direct the shower of our power. So okay, here goes…….the funnel is pointing to the bowl & I’m ready to go…….the initial spout was fine when I got the aim right but as soon as it started to trickle, it trickled everywhere!!! How do you men deal with sprinkling when you’re tinkling??? Now don’t you ever leave the washroom WITHOUT washing your hands & appendage because now I know what you are down to. By the time I finished, my toilet bowl rim was splattered with pee & though I felt triumphant having DONE it like a boy, I had to clean my toilet bowl, the floors & also disinfect the area around it! Good thing I had the seat up too! So much effort! I felt I need more practice over this bionic cuckoo if I were to master the use for my Borneo expedition! This kinda explains why boys need a lifetime to become men & even then, can’t get their aim right. 

The instruction says I have to wash the device with warm soapy water & air dry. Having wet wipes & sanitiser ready helps if water is not available. I washed it & put it near the window to dry. This appendage will be handy if I go into the wild & when I have to go. 

The upside is, I now would not need to ”˜hover’ above the toilet bowl when there’s a germ infested toilet seat (or there’s an absence of one) & would be delighted to pee in the jungle without having my bottom pricked by shrubs & twigs! 

The other option is to use TravelJohn™ Disposable Urinal in situations where you can’t find a lavatory at all. Those who have been there & experienced that would know what a God-sent items these urinal devices are. Get the TravelJohn™ at Lafuma & P Ez on eBay by searching for ”˜female urination device.’